having a rough day

I'm having a rough day today. I need a hug. Hubby is out of town this week. That's ok with me. I'm quite independent and not afraid to be alone, if you can call being in a house with 5 kids alone. What has been hard is that my sweet baby is no longer sweet. When she turned 4 months old, she turned into something of a terror. She screams when I'm not holding her and sometimes gets so worked up that she screams when I do hold her. She doesn't like to be held while I'm sitting, either. That means when I sit down at the computer while holding her, she screams. When I sit down to watch a movie or read a book while I hold her, she screams. When I sit down to write in my journal or write the grocery list while I hold her she screams. And of course, if I put her down, she screams.

I do nothing for work or pleasure without hearing her scream. I'm frustrated at what I can't accomplish and frustrated that what I do accomplish is with a screaming soundtrack.

This evening, I got her to sleep and I was hoping to get a few things done to get the house and kids ready for bed. I had to run outside to get something that had been left. My two younger kids HAD to come with me. Because they were so slow, they let in a lot of bugs. When I got back in the house I was horrified to see my kitchen wall covered with bugs. I grabbed the fly swatter and started whacking away at the bugs. This woke up Peanut. After I finished with the bugs, I grabbed Peanut, 2 diapers and headed upstairs. My two younger kids peed in their beds last night. I had the sheets clean, but not back on the beds yet. I had to put Peanut down. She screamed non stop while I put on two sets of sheets and put some laundry away. I put diapers on the older two and as soon as I had, they both announced they needed to go potty. I took off the diapers and waited for them to pee. I got diapers back on them and headed to my room to change into PJs. Peanut screamed. All of this took about 20 minutes. I finally got Peanut to sleep and the phone rings. I go get it and it is my MIL asking what year I was born because they were inputting genealogy info into their computer. It is 9:50 at night and it woke up Peanut. That's all they wanted, my birth year and birth place. I've been married to this family for almost 12 years. You would think they would know those two things.

I got Peanut back to sleep after the phone call. I can't blame her entirely for her actions. She is teething and it hurts. She can never get in a good nap during the day. Instead of two good naps lasting several hours (like a 4 month old should have) she gets 10-15 cat naps a day, never lasting more than 15 minutes. This is thanks to loud siblings who show no respect for her or me when I ask them to please be quite. She also wakes up the moment I lay her down. It is all very frustrating to me.

Don't get me wrong, I love all my children, but I didn't plan on a fifth kid. My fourth was such a screaming terror that I knew I couldn't handle anymore. Well, Peanut decided to come along and we had a sweet first three months, but now she is following in her brother's foot steps and I'm tearing my hair out. I can't get work done around the house, I can't spend much time playing with the other kids, and I defiantly get no personal time. A friend of mine is trying desperately to get pregnant. Part of me hopes she can and a part of me that I feel really guilty about is thinking "why?" Why do you want to do this? Why do you want to be screamed at? Why do you want to never sleep? Why do you want to never have personal accomplishments again? Isn't that terrible? I'm such a horrible person for thinking that.

I know that eventually, the screaming will end. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, because the other 4 kids reached it, but to endure this now and for the next year is so hard. I don't want to be screamed at anymore. How do I get though this next year? How can I get nothing done and feel good about it?

It is night and I'm so tired. My Peanut is sleeping in my arms while I type. Things always seem so hopeless at night. Tomorrow won't be much of a better day. I know Peanut is going to scream all day, but when the sun is out, I can handle it much better. I'm hoping the night goes smoothly and tomorrow morning comes quickly.